Have you ever packed up your desk at 5 p.m., ready to head home after a long day, only for a colleague to chime in with a not-so-sweet, "Going home already?"

If so, you have likely found yourself on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive comment. The two halves of the very phrase "passive-aggressive" spell out a familiar and frustrating dynamic, according to Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University who has extensively studied how people express conflict in the professional sphere. Someone is expressing opposition or anger—the aggressive part—but doing so indirectly. The words themselves often leave enough room for a completely innocent interpretation, but the tone leaves very little to the imagination.

That inherent ambiguity puts the target in an awkward and uncomfortable position. You are instantly forced to make a split-second decision: Do you respond to what was literally said, or do you address what you suspect the other person actually meant? Or, perhaps worst of all, do you simply give in to the immediate temptation to snap right back? To understand how to navigate these tricky social waters, behavioral experts offer insight into why people take indirect digs and what you can actually say when someone refuses to speak their mind.

Why people default to passive-aggressive communication

Sometimes, it simply feels safer to hint at a complex emotion than to state it directly. Admitting that you are hurt or upset calls for a distinct kind of vulnerability that a sarcastic remark or a pointed joke completely avoids.

"Some people just haven’t learned how to say, or don’t feel comfortable saying, ‘I’m hurt. You hurt my feelings,’" notes Melissa Gluck, a practicing psychologist in New York City. For individuals who grew up in environments where people rarely communicated their true feelings transparently, taking an indirect approach can even feel normal and habitual.

There can also be much more specific motivations behind a partner or close friend’s pointed comments. In recent research focusing on romantic relationships, Levi R. Baker, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, discovered that people frequently express displeasure indirectly because they are insecure or unsure about how much their partner truly cares about them.

"People are really doing this to kind of test their partner," Baker explains, noting that individuals often signal distress by saying, "I’m upset with you, I’ve got some hurt feelings," and then waiting to see whether their partner notices and proactively tries to uncover what is wrong. Underneath the sarcasm or cold shoulder, Baker says, they may be wrestling with deeper questions: "Do they care about me? Do they value me?"

Yet, understanding the psychological roots of where a comment might stem from does not automatically make it any less irritating to hear. It can leave you spinning, wondering whether you have just been insulted and trying to figure out how to answer an accusation that the other person never quite verbalized.

Weingart’s primary advice is to keep your response grounded by making it "more direct and less intense" than the comment you just received. The goal is to give your conversational partner a fair opportunity to be direct. For instance, if someone remarks, "Must be nice to have that much free time," Brook McKenzie, a licensed chemical dependency counselor in Dallas who routinely helps families work through indirect communication and lingering resentment, suggests pivoting with curiosity rather than defense.

You might respond by saying, "I’m not sure how you meant that. Can you say it another way?" Alternatively, you can ask: "It sounds like there might be something you want to say to me directly. Is there?"

The framing of these questions is critical; they should function as a genuine invitation rather than an accusation. While it may be tempting to snap back with something like, "Why are you being so passive-aggressive?", McKenzie warns that this approach usually backfires. Instead of resolving the underlying issue, you will likely end up trapped in an argument about their tone rather than addressing whatever is actually bothering them. Returning fire with matching sarcasm tends to cause the exact same counterproductive result, leaving two people annoyed instead of just one.

When dealing with someone you are especially close to, Gluck suggests opening the floor with a gentle inquiry: "I feel like something’s off. Do you want to talk about it?" This approach grants them the space to express what is wrong without forcing you to play guessing games. If they insist that everything is fine, you can generally take them at their word for the time being. "It’s not our job to become the feelings detective," Gluck adds.

When you already have a strong intuition about what is driving the comment, you can acknowledge that context directly. Suppose your romantic partner responds to your evening plans with friends by remarking that you certainly seem to have plenty of time for everyone else except them. In that scenario, Baker suggests reassuring them of your affection and desire to spend time together while simultaneously proposing a concrete alternative plan. You might say, "I’m going out tonight, but I’d really like to have dinner with you tomorrow." Crucially, you do not need to cancel your existing plans to prove that you care.

In a professional setting, clarity often serves you much better than a meandering conversation about emotions. If your boss drops a pointed comment like, "Leaving already?" just as your scheduled workday comes to a close, Weingart suggests treating it as a literal inquiry about tasks: "Is there something else you need me to do before I leave?" A coworker’s casual jab may warrant an even lighter touch, such as a cheerful, "Yep, the workday’s over. Have a great weekend." Both strategies effectively bypass the trap of assuming you know what hidden meaning the other person intended.

And sometimes, the absolute best response is simply offering no response at all. If a friend makes a single, out-of-character comment during an undeniably rough day, Gluck notes that it is entirely acceptable to let it pass without comment. However, if that behavior solidifies into a consistent pattern, that signals it is time for a different kind of conversation.

What to do when someone is repeatedly passive-aggressive

When passive-aggression hardens into a repetitive pattern, it warrants a much more direct approach. If a friend repeatedly makes passive-aggressive jokes about you never making time for them, Gluck suggests explicitly naming both what you have observed and how it impacts you: "This isn’t the first time you’ve made that comment. It’s starting to hurt my feelings, and I’d like to know if something’s bothering you."

The same frustrating dynamic frequently rears its head within family structures. Imagine telling your mother that it deeply upset you when she criticized you in front of other relatives, only for her to deflect defensively by replying, "I guess I’m just a bad mom." To handle this rhetorical trap, Gluck advises redirecting the narrative: "That’s not what I said. I was trying to tell you how I feel, and it hurts when you put those words in my mouth." This deliberate phrasing brings the dialogue safely back to the actual behavior that occurred in front of the family, preventing the discussion from devolving into an emotional debate over whether she is a good mother.

What happens if they stubbornly insist that they were "just joking" all along? Weingart recommends clearly separating their stated intention from the actual effect of their words. You can respond by stating, "You may not have meant it to be hurtful, but that’s how it sounded to me." This approach empowers you to explain your lived experience on your own end without needing to wage a losing battle over what was originally inside their head.

Ultimately, it is entirely fair to establish firm boundaries about how you are willing to communicate moving forward. If recurring passive-aggressive remarks continue to strain your relationships, you might consider borrowing McKenzie’s go-to line for these exact scenarios: "I’m willing to have difficult conversations with you. I’m not willing to keep guessing what you mean."